Deal breakers are something I use a lot in my practice with clients working on different things. The term seems to get more attention when it is related to dating, but I use it for a lot of things just to keep my head clear and stay on track in my life and my business.
Today, we are going to continue on the love train with the final piece of the Love Series puzzle. Of course, you know I write about this stuff all the time so you can always get more on my blog or my social media sites!
So… what are your deal breakers?
This is a funny one for me because I had an experience a couple of years ago where I met someone, I had all of my deal breakers outlined clearly, AND I TOTALLY IGNORED THEM!!
WTH was I thinking?? Getting to know someone is so much fun, and it is powerful! Feeling all the butterflies and the warm and fuzziness of attraction I seriously forgot all about my deal breakers, and he had several of those qualities. Needless to say, that one didn’t work out. He was also a lot of great things, he was kind and loving, a great father, funny, and many other things.
I want to be really clear about something with deal breakers- this isn’t about judging someone and specifying how they are bad and you are better than them. Many of the things on my list are just things that aren’t congruent with my lifestyle. It’s as simple as that. I’m not saying if you do this certain thing or that certain thing that I think you are a bad person. That’s ridiculous. I am simply looking at traits, qualities, habits, and lifestyle things that fit, or don’t fit.
For example, my personality is a bit boring for some people. I am an intellect, a reader and writer, I love to learn and research endlessly, my life is quiet, I am mostly an introvert (yes, it’s true), I love to dress well, be strong, be smart, I am an over-achiever. I am also what many would consider ‘high maintenance’- I always have my hair done, I do my own manicure and pedicure once a week, I do facials at home weekly, I have a workout regimen, a green smoothie problem, and you will never find me on a camping trip but you will definitely find me at the spa. I am a recovering alcoholic, an ice cream enthusiast, a phenomenal dog mom, and I will always choose my work over anything else.
I am not everyone’s ‘cup of tea’.
Just as one of my deal breakers is a person who doesn’t have a similar work ethic as me, someone else’s deal breaker may be a workaholic.
I think dressing well is a sign of respect. Not only my self-respect, but also respect for my clients and my colleagues or the group I am going to speaking in front of. I want you to know you are important to me and I care enough to not show up in old jeans and a hoodie. Someone else may think it is vain or high maintenance or materialistic to put that much energy into appearance.
Deal breakers are also bigger things like being an honest person. I do not want to be with someone who lies or is not dependable. Or someone who is actively addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. I am a recovering alcoholic, obviously a drunk would not be a good fit for me.
I want all of us to be more clear about what is a good fit, not judging one another and thinking we are better because we do it differently. My way is not the ‘right’ way, it is just my way. But it is incredibly important to have an understanding of what doesn’t fit, and what is not okay in a relationship so we make better choices and build better relationships!
I do not want a liar, a cheater, or a narcissist. Someone who is negative and excessively insecure is not a great match for me because I have done years of work on myself to no longer be those things and I don’t want that back in my life.
I think you get the picture. Deal breakers also apply to the rest of our lives. What are my deal breakers with work? I turn away work sometimes or refer it to other professionals when I don’t think it is the right for me.
The key to this is if we are clear on our vision for ourselves, it is much easier to create the lives we want. If I am aware of what does not fit with my life then I have a greater ability to recognize what does fit. Then, I can really make great choices for me and the people hanging out with me.
What are your deal breakers?